I Can't
by SBNH13
Summary: Summary: The pain and and illness is too much for Cosima, physically and emotionally, and she can't take it anymore. She tries to take her own life. Will Delphine be there in time to stop and save her? T/W: Attempted suicide, Rated T for swearing.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hello :) This is a prompt from Julielein, btw I'm so sorry this is late, my week was busier than I expected. This story will have two chapters.****  
**

**Summary: The pain and and illness is too much for Cosima, physically and emotionally, and she can't take it anymore. She tries to take her own life. Will Delphine be there in time to stop her? T/W: Attempted suicide **

**Also this is not beta'd so any and all mistakes are mine. Let me know if you find any and I will fix them :) ENJOY! **

* * *

It had been a long day, Cosima could hardly stand by the time she walked into Delphine's and her's apartment. She had had another doctor's appointment that didn't go well, "It's not looking much better" the doctor had said. He also told her it wasn't looking worse, but she was at a rough place already and didn't think it could get much worse before she…

She took out a tissue and coughed into it, checking how much blood there was. Too much. Every cough would send another shot of pain through her entire body. She wasn't sure how much longer she could take it. Take the pain in her chest, coughing up blood, not being able to walk more than 10 meters without feeling tired. She took another pill to help the pain and sighed heavily as she sat down on the couch.

Delphine walked into the living room ten minutes later to see Cosima dozing softly on the couch. She let a tiny smile spread across her face but it disappeared seconds later. She knew how hard the last few weeks had been on Cosima, all the doctor's appointments and not getting any good news. And she was slowly getting weaker, not just physically but also emotionally. She could see the light slowly starting to disappear from Cosima's eyes, her smiles wouldn't last as long and she started to sleep more and more during the day.

She walked closer to Cosima and saw her bottle of pain medication sitting on the table. She was happy to see it refilled, it hurt her to see Cosima in such pain. Cosima would try not to let it show, trying to stay strong for Delphine, but the blonde always knew. She could see the pain in her eyes, watch her wince when she breathed and the scared look on her face when she coughed into a tissue and she saw blood.

* * *

That night Cosima lay in bed thinking. She was curled into a sleeping Delphine's side, her head resting on the blonde's chest, feeling it rise and fall with her every breath. It was getting so hard for her, every day she felt worse. Every day she could feel her body getting weaker and closer to giving up. She was scared her body would give up before she was ready.

_'I have to be prepared for it. I can't just die one day without saying goodbye to everyone_.' At that moment she decided, she was going to start saying goodbye now, so if it were sudden at least that would be done.

_'I can't believe I'm going to die from this. This wasn't my choice, I didn't choose to be a clone with some fucking mysterious respiratory illness. NO, im done with other people or things deciding for me. I will decide from now on. _I _will decide when I die and how I die. Just _me.' And she knew, she knew what she was choosing at that moment. She was choosing to end it on her terms. To end it when she wanted and was prepared. And with those thoughts, Cosima let herself drift to sleep.

* * *

A week later Cosima found herself staring at her half full bottle of pain medication. She had spent the last week saying her goodbyes to everyone she needed to. She tried not to make it obvious that she was leaving them for good but she couldn't help it if a few tears escaped each time she left. Nobody found it unusual though. They all knew how hard life had been for her as of late and thought her emotions we're just scattered and getting the best of her.

The hardest of course was Delphine. She wasn't sure how to go about it without tipping Delphine off that something was wrong. She decided to just tell Delphine every chance she got that she loved her and appreciated all that she did for her. That morning when Delphine left to go to work she hugged and kissed her with as much love as she could and when her girlfriend walked out the door, she broke down crying. But she had to do this. She couldn't take the pain anymore. She also wrote her a letter explaining why she was doing this and with words of love and comfort. It was next to her now, by the bottle of pills.

* * *

Delphine was on her lunch break and decided to call Cosima, she hadn't heard from her all day and was starting to get worried. They usually texted back and forth to check up on each other or Cosima would get bored at home so she'd talk to Delphine to entertain herself.

She decided to call Cosima to ask how her day was going and how she was feeling. _Ring… Ring… Ring… Hey, you've reached Cosima. Leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. _Delphine hung up and sighed. She knew there was no need to stress, maybe Cosima was just sleeping. No big deal.

* * *

Cosima heard her phone ring and checked the caller ID. It was Delphine. She knew if she answered Delphine would immediately know something was wrong. She just let it go to voice mail, breaking slightly on the inside, knowing that was probably her last chance to talk to the love of her life.

When it stopped ringing Cosima took in a deep breath. She looked at the bottle and thought about everything again, making sure she said good bye to everyone and reminding herself that this was the right decision.

* * *

Half an hour later, at the end of her lunch break, Delphine saw that Cosima hadn't called back or replied in any other way. She decided to call again and if Cosima didn't answer she would go home to check and make sure everything was okay.

Again she reached the brunette's voicemail. She packed up her belongings and told her boss she was leaving for an hour to make sure everything was okay at home. He agreed quickly, knowing of Cosima's illness and not wanting Delphine to be sitting at work worrying.

* * *

Cosima heard her phone ring a second time. She reminded herself not to answer and knew this was it. She had to do it now or she would never let herself. She picked up the bottle and read the label again. 'Do not take more than two pills at a time. Go to a doctor immediately if you do.'

She poured the pills into her hand and counted ten. She hoped it would be enough to do more than just knock her out for a few hours. She counted to five and then lifted her shaking hand to her mouth, she let a few pills fall from her hand to between her lips and swallowed them dry. She repeated the action until they were all down and drank some water. She leaned back against the couch and waited for them to take effect.

* * *

Delphine hurried up the stairs to the apartment and quickly opened the door. She had a terrible feeling that something was wrong. When she stepped into the apartment she immediately called out for Cosima.

She heard nothing at first, but a moment later a soft "Delphine" was spoken from the area of the sofa. Delphine ran over and looked at Cosima. She was pale and looked much worse than ever before. She saw the empty bottle of medication and letter next to it, and just yelled "NO!"

Cosima's nodded but said nothing. Delphine walked over to Cosima and sat by her. She couldn't believe this, why the hell would Cosima do this. "Please tell me you just took them, please!"

Cosima nodded and murmured, "ten minutes."

Delphine picked her up and carried her downstairs. Cosima was conscious, but much weaker than ever before. Delphine hoped she would make it to the hospital.

* * *

**AN: SO! What did you think of that? I will try to upload the second chapter as quickly as I can, either tomorrow or on Saturday :) **


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Here is the second chapter! **

**I wanted to adress what Julielein said in her review about where Delphine works. I admit I didn't think about in the first chapter, but she does work at DYAD but not with Leekie necessarily, more is explained in this chapter. **

**This isn't beta'd, all and any mistakes are mine. If you see any go ahead and let me know and I will fix them :) Enjoy! :D **

* * *

Delphine ran into the ER with a barely conscious Cosima in her arms. "Please! Please I need help!" she was yelling as she ran to the nurse's desk. Tears started running down her cheeks, she tried to keep it together so when asked she could explain what had happened.

The nurse at the desk looked up when she heard the yelling and saw the brunette slumped over the blonde's shoulder. There were others in the ER waiting to be seen but she could see this was much more of an emergency. She immediately paged a doctor and ran over to Delphine. "What happened?"

Delphine gathered herself quickly and began, "I got home and saw she had taken all of her pain medication. I'm not sure how many exactly but at least 7 pills. It's been about 20 minutes since she's taken them. She was conscious and talking when I left but on the way her breathing slowed and now I'm not sure she's still conscious." Delphine rushed out before taking a breath. Working in medicine herself, she knew she had to give as much information as she could in order for the doctors to take of her girlfriend to the best of their ability. The nurse nodded and tried to start checking Cosima.

Just then the doctor, a woman that looked to be in her late 40s, walked over to them quickly with a gurney. Delphine carefully placed Cosima on it and could barely look when she saw that Cosima was now unconscious. The doctor introduced herself quickly as Dr. Lopez and asked what happened. Delphine was too distraught to answer so the nurse replied instead, quickly relaying Delphine's story to Dr. Lopez. When the nurse was finished Dr. Lopez asked Delphine what medication Cosima was on and when Delphine told her she shook her head, knowing how dangerous what Cosima had done was.

"Wait there," the nurse said pointing to a small waiting room that had another couple of people in it, "we'll do everything we can and come talk to you when we know more." Delphine could do nothing but nod and watch them run off with Cosima down the hall to treat her.

* * *

Delphine had been waiting for an hour now, she didn't know what to do. She tried to keep calm but too many thoughts were running through her head.

_'How could Cosima do this? 'Was everything so bad that she couldn't live with it anymore?' 'How do I face her after this?' 'She must not love me enough if she was willing to leave me.' _That was a thought that scared Delphine very much, almost as much as the thought of Cosima wanting to kill herself because she was suffering so much. If cosima survived, would she even want Delphine's help? Would she rather find help elsewhere and not want to see Delphine ever again. After all, it was part of Delpine's job at DYAD to find a cure and she hadn't yet, she was failing Cosima.

A few minutes later Dr. Lopez walked into the room with a smile on her face. She walked over to a very disheveled looking Delphine and placed a hand on her shoulder. Delphine looked up at her and when she saw the smile she knew, she knew Cosima was alive. Tears of joy escaped her eyes and she hugged the doctor.

"She's going to be okay." Dr. Lopez said and Delphine nodded and thanked her. "We did an x-ray and ran a few tests to see how she was being affected exactly. The pills were still in her stomach so we pumped it and got everything out. She's still sleeping now but I'll take you to her room to sit with her. There are still many things to discuss but we'll wait until she's awake to talk to her."

They walked to her room and when they reached it Dr. Lopez turned to Delphine and told her, "She should wake up soon. It might look a bit scary to see her with the wires but everything will be okay." She smiled and left the blonde to enter the room on her own.

Delphine knew seeing Cosima with wires was nothing unusual to her. After all, she was there whenever DYAD would run tests on her at the beginning. But this time it was different. This time those wires were helping Cosima stay alive until her body was back to functioning by itself.

Delphine placed her hand on the door handle and slowly turned it, slightly scared at what she would see inside. She walked into the room and saw Cosima sleeping in the bed. The brunette was pale and her lips were dry, but she was okay and that was all that mattered.

Delphine picked up a chair that was sitting in a corner of the room and placed it by Cosima's bed. She sat and held Cosima's right hand in both of her own, she placed a kiss on it and then sat and waited for her to wake up.

* * *

A couple hours later Cosima awoke. She looked around, unaware of where she was. She saw the white walls and heard the machines beeping around her. Looking down she saw the hospital bed and Delphine with her head down, resting on Cosima's right hand, she seemed to be asleep. Cosima gulped, remembering what had happened at the apartment and realizing what all this meant. She was alive, it didn't work. Delphine saved her.

Now she would have to face Delphine and explain herself. She wasn't sure how she could do that. She didn't want to leave Delphine, but she just couldn't live with all the pain anymore. Maybe she could just pretend to sleep each time Delphine was awake, at least that would give her more time to think.

At that exact moment, Delphine's eyes blinked open. She looked up and saw Cosima staring at the ceiling, she knew the look Cosima had on her face, she was thinking hard.

Cosima suddenly felt a hand on her cheek, she flinched slightly but then saw it was just Delphine. Delphine smiled at her, though she was still a bit in shock that Cosima was okay, tears threatening to spill over. Cosima smiled softly but had a scared look in her eyes. "Hi," Delphine whispered.

"Hey," Cosima said back in a soft scratchy voice. Delphine placed a tender kiss on her forehead.

"You just woke up so I'm going to let you rest but you know we're going to have to talk. For now though, just relax." Cosima nodded and silently thanked Delphine for knowing what to say.

Delphine sat by her bed and both women we're lost in their own thoughts. About ten minutes later a nurse walked in and saw Cosima was awake, "how are you feeling?" she asked.

"I've been better, but I've also been worse." She responded. The nurse nodded at that and checked her chart.

After making sure everything was okay, she asked Cosima "Is it okay I talk to you in front of your… friend?" Cosima nodded, so the nurse continued, "You're going to have to stay here for a couple days, so we can watch and make sure everything is okay. We also want you to talk to a psychologist so we know if we can release you without you harming yourself again, okay?"

"That's fine." Cosima said.

After telling them that a doctor or nurse would be back every few hours to check on Cosima she walked out and they were left in slightly uncomfortable silence. Delphine wanted to ask questions and talk to her but wasn't sure if Cosima had the strength yet. Cosima knew exactly what was going through the blonde's mind so she decided she would start the conversation.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. "I…. I don't want to say I don't know what I was doing because I knew, I wanted to die. Everything was getting so hard, I couldn't take it anymore, I just had to end my suffering. I'm so sorry Delphine. I-" Delphine cut her off.

"No, Cosima you don't just get to say you're sorry." Delphine said in a quiet but very angry tone, "You were going to leave me! I wouldn't have even known until it was too late. You think I don't know how much you suffered? How hard it was for you? You don't think I don't see the pain in your eyes each time you breathe." Her voice slowly rose with each sentence, she couldn't understand how Cosima didn't just talk to her and tell her how she was feeling, why Cosima felt she had to be strong when she was in pain.

Delphine tried to lower her voice and calm down, she knew yelling at Cosima wouldn't help, "I _know_ how hard it's been for you, I know you're dying on the inside just as much as you are on the outside. But why didn't you talk to me about it? Why didn't you tell me how you were feeling? I could've helped! I _will_ help!" Delphine finished her rant, trying to convey to Cosima that she understood what led to this but she still didn't understand why her girlfriend didn't seek help.

"I… I don't know what to say Delphine. It's hard. It's hard knowing my body will fail me one day soon, it's hard not being able to do everything I used to and it's killing me inside. I can't do this anymore! I can't keep being scared to walk too far from home because I might have a terrible coughing fit or need to lie down. This whole illness is taking my life away!" Cosima was crying at this point. This was the first time she was really talking about everything going on and how she felt about it.

Delphine ran her hand over Cosima's cheeks, wiping away her tears. She leaned down and kissed her on the forehead, cheeks and finally a short kiss on the brunette's lips. Cosima slowly started to calm down, now only sniffling.

"Ma cherie, I know. Trust me I know how hard it is. But I want to help make it better. I want to help remind you that you're not just this illness. Yes it's part of you, but it's not all of you. And until you're-," Delphine's words caught in her throat, she couldn't say them. "I will help you, with everything, until I can't anymore."

Cosima nodded, she understood what the blonde was telling her, but she was still so scared and ready for it all to be over. "Delphine, I know you just want to help. But I can't live like this, what I'm doing isn't living. It's waiting to die."

"No. No, it's not." Delphine looked deeply into Cosima's eyes, to show her how serious what she was saying was. "Maybe before today it was, but I'm going to change that. I promise you, I will make every day worth living. I will show you something or do something new with you and show you that there is what to live for. Even if it's not for long, you will have what to live for. And I will continue working on finding this cure, I will save you Cosima."

Cosima wasn't sure what to say. It would still be very hard, but if Delphine could give her reasons to live that were stronger than her reasons to die she would happily stay. "Please. Please give me reasons to live. I love you and I don't want to leave you. So please… Give me as many reasons to live so I won't ever be able to leave." Cosima pleaded.

Delphine just nodded, she placed her lips on Cosima's forehead and held Cosima's hand in hers, close to her heart. She stayed like that for a long while repeating "I promise you" over and over.

* * *

**4 months later**

"Happy anniversary, mon amour," Delphine told Cosima over her glass of wine. They were celebrating their first anniversary, at home over a wonderful home-cooked meal.

"Happy anniversary, babe" Cosima replied with a huge smile, leaning over to kiss Delphine lovingly on the lips. "I love you so much" she told her.

Delphine couldn't help the smile that spread across her face, she loved hearing Cosima tell her that after all they had been through. Cosima still wasn't fully cured but after her attempted suicide Delphine made sure every day she proved to Cosima how important and great her life was. She and other researchers at DYAD had also been able to find a medicine that didn't cure Cosima but it helped with the pain and slowed down the illness.

Cosima and Delphine were now living happily together and knew they could beat this. They spoke openly about how they felt and what was going on, and made sure to always remind each other how much they loved and needed one another in their lives.

FIN

* * *

**AN: Okay that is it! Leave a review if you would like, whether good or criticism I will gladly read it :) I was thinking of also making another chapter with the opposite outcome (Cosima doesn't survive), if you would want to see that let me know, but for now I'm going to have this story as complete. **

**If anyone wants a prompt filled you can tell me in a review, PM or my tumblr. My URL is now helenaisalwaysfun . tumblr . com **


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Alright! This will definitely be the final chapter to I Can't. This is an alternate ending instead of chapter 2, meaning an ending where Cosima doesn't live. The first part of this chapter is the same as the previous because it begins in the same way. I'm sorry this is out so many days after the second chapter, I had a busy week and wasn't on the computer as often as normal. Well, you probably aren't interesting in hearing about all this so on to the story! Enjoy!**

**WARNING- character death**

* * *

Delphine ran into the ER with a barely conscious Cosima in her arms. "Please! Please I need help!" she was yelling as she ran to the nurse's desk. Tears started running down her cheeks, she tried to keep it together so when asked she could explain what had happened.

The nurse at the desk looked up when she heard the yelling and saw the brunette slumped over the blonde's shoulder. There were others in the ER waiting to be seen but she could see this was much more of an emergency. She immediately paged a doctor and ran over to Delphine. "What happened?"

Delphine gathered herself quickly and began, "I got home and saw she had taken all of her pain medication. I'm not sure how many exactly but at least 7 pills. It's been about 20 minutes since she's taken them. She was conscious and talking when I left but on the way her breathing slowed and now I'm not sure she's still conscious." Delphine rushed out before taking a breath. Working in medicine herself, she knew she had to give as much information as she could in order for the doctors to take of her girlfriend to the best of their ability. The nurse nodded and tried to start checking Cosima.

Just then the doctor, a woman that looked to be in her late 40s, walked over to them quickly with a gurney. Delphine carefully placed Cosima on it and could barely look when she saw that Cosima was now unconscious. The doctor introduced herself quickly as Dr. Lopez and asked what happened. Delphine was too distraught to answer so the nurse replied instead, quickly relaying Delphine's story to Dr. Lopez. When the nurse was finished Dr. Lopez asked Delphine what medication Cosima was on and when Delphine told her she shook her head, knowing how dangerous what Cosima had done was.

"Wait there," the nurse said pointing to a small waiting room that had another couple of people in it, "we'll do everything we can and come talk to you when we know more." Delphine could do nothing but nod and watch them run off with Cosima down the hall to treat her.

* * *

Delphine had been waiting for over an hour and a half now, different thoughts running through her head.

'_What if she doesn't survive?' 'How will I go on? Can I live without her?' 'She's my everything.' _Delphine tried to stop the scary thoughts. She didn't know what she would do if Cosima didn't make it.

She took out her phone and starting going through the pictures she had. She went straight to her favorites: one of her and Cosima together in the lab with safety goggles and lab coats making silly faces, another of them kissing in front of a picture of the Eifel Tower. Cosima would never admit it, but kissing on the Eifel Tower was one cliché she always wanted to do, and that was the closest they had gotten so far. She continued looking through pictures, not hearing the waiting room door open.

Dr. Lopez walked in to see Delphine scrolling through her phone, she hated when she had to give bad news, especially about a person as young as Cosima, but it was an inevitable part of her job. She could see Delphine's slight smile at what she was looking at and knew that in a matter of minutes that smile would be gone and replaced with a look of pain and tears. Taking in a deep breath, Dr. Lopez walked over to Delphine and put a hand on her shoulder.

Delphine looked up when she felt a hand on her shoulder. One look at the doctor's somber face and she knew. Cosima was gone. She couldn't move, she felt paralyzed and unsure of what she was even supposed to do. Dr. Lopez took a seat in the chair beside Delphine's and turned to face the blonde.

"Miss Cormier… I'm so sorry. We weren't able to save her." The doctor told her in a quiet, comforting voice. Delphine just looked straight ahead, she didn't know what else to do or say. Seeing that Delphine was saying nothing Dr. Lopez continued, "We tried everything we could. We pumped her stomach, set her up on IVs and… when her heart stopped we tried the defibrillator, but nothing helped. I am so sorry for your loss."

Delphine felt the tears start to run down her cheeks, waking her from her stupor. She turned to the doctor and asked the one thing that was on her mind, "Can I see her?"

Dr. Lopez nodded and took the now fragile blonde to the room where Cosima's body lay. As they approached the door Dr. Lopez stopped Delphine, "Sweetheart, before we go in, is there anyone you would like to call to be here with you when you see her?" Delphine shook her head. She knew she needed to tell Alison, Sarah and everyone else but she couldn't yet. She just wanted to see her Cosima one last time.

Dr. Lopez nodded and opened the door. Delphine's breath hitched in her throat when she saw Cosima's body. She was the palest Delphine had ever seen and her lips were so dry. Delphine slowly walked over to Cosima's body, bringing her hand up to her mouth to try and quiet the sobs escaping her.

When she reached Cosima she reached out a hand and ran it over Cosima's cheek. She couldn't believe it. Cosima was really gone. Never again would she wake up to crazy rave music playing at 8 in the morning, hear Cosima geek out in the cutest ways or the crazy theories and ideas she gets when she's high. Never again would she get to wake up to Cosima's soft kisses being pressed all over her face, or the hard, passionate kisses they shared before making love. Never again would she hear Cosima tell her "I love you".

Delphine continued to gaze at Cosima, _'Why did you do this. I know it was hard, I know it was _so hard_ for you to handle but I could've helped. Why didn't you ask me to help you?' _Thoughts like these kept running through Delphine's mind. She didn't understand why Cosima didn't come and talk to her. She would've done any possible thing to help. She would've quit her job to spend more time with Cosima, she would've dropped everything and travelled with her if that would make her happier, she would've done anything to keep Cosima with her forever.

_'What if we find the cure next week? What if in, a week, I could've saved you and we could have normal healthy lives together. Why Cosima?! Why the hell did you do this to me!' _Delphine had to turn from Cosima, she couldn't stare at her pale but still so beautiful anymore without getting mad.

Cosima had left her. She _chose _to leave her. What was Delphine supposed to do now? Her girlfriend, no, _the love of her life _left her and now she was supposed to just continue living? Continue trying to find a cure that could've saved Cosima and given them a future? Continue floating through the now seemingly meaningless thing people call life? How could she live when the one person she wanted to be with was… dead. Delphine was furious, Cosima not only took her life when she downed those pills. She took Delphine's as well. Delphine may be alive and breathing, but on the inside she felt dead.

Delphine took in a deep breath, trying to calm herself. She turned back to Cosima and leaned down, placing a last kiss to the brunette's dry, cracked lips. It was a quick kiss, but with it Delphine was able to let out all her love and anger for Cosima. After straightening back up, she wiped her nose on her sleeve and knew she had to get out of there. She couldn't stay in that room anymore, she felt suffocated.

_'I guess this is it. I'll never understand why you did this and I'll probably never forgive you but there's nothing I can do now. I will always love you and I'll never forget you.' _Delphine hoped somehow Cosima could hear her 's body may lay on that table, but she believed her soul was drifting around now, and hopefully it would follow Delphine through life and help her get through it all.

With that Delphine turned and walked out the door. Walking down the long hallway to the exit of the hospital she thought about what she would do now. She had to tell everyone what happened, she had to plan a funeral, she had to continue her work and try to survive every day without the main thing that gave her life. She exited the hospital and got in her car. She sat there for a long while trying to gain the courage to leave and to prepare herself for what her life would now become.

* * *

**AN- Thank you all very much for reading. i hope you enjoyed my first attempt at something that was longer than one chapter :) **


End file.
